The Pale Ones: And A Al B Damned In A Pear Tree
by KodyVoorhees7
Summary: Looking for a warm fuzzy holiday story to lighten your spirits? Look somewhere else. The Pale Ones ain't got no time for that shizz


Hello kiddies! What's that? It's almost Christmas? That must mean it's time for The Pale Ones to ruin your holiday season!

R&R you fools!

(Al, Pip, Joe and Kodi sitting in front of the TV playing xbox. Kylie and Macaylah walk in.)

Kylie: ok guys, my work is having a company Christmas party and I need a date to drag around and show off.

Macaylah: you have a job? When did that happen?

Kylie: SHUT UP TWIN. Boys, pull your shirts up.

Pip: wait what-

Kylie: Which one of you has the best abs? I'm not taking some lanky *censored* with me. I need to brag, people!

*guys pull their shirts up*

Macaylah: XP ewie...

Pip: please shut up. It was just Thanksgiving.

Kylie: you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you're British. And even then, it's still not an excuse for what you've got going on.

Pip: hey. Hey. I'm part Welsh thank you.

Macaylah: the only one with salvageable abs is Kodi…

Kodi: I WORK OUT! ("Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO starts playing as Kodi tears off his shirt and dances)

Kylie: ….I'm not taking him with me to a place where there will be alcohol. I'm going to go find Adam. (leaves)

(guys look at eachother, shrug and go back to playing Modern Warfare while Kodi continues dancing on the coffee table)

Pip: did she say Christmas party?

Al: I think so, but, I wasn't really paying attention.

Joe: neither was I. I never pay attention to her, honestly. It's always "who drank all the bourbon" and "Bird boy, you bastard, stop drinking all the bourbon". It's stressing me out.

Pip: She makes me cry into my pillow at night….every night….for hours on end…

Kodi: guys! I figured it out! (hops off table and into Pip's lap) It's the obligatory Christmas episode! Where we all help out the impoverished people and learn an important lesson while doing so!

(Silence)

Kodi: I take it by your silence that you are quite impressed with me realizing that while sober.

Joe: you're shirtless and sitting on Pip's lap.

Pip: (tiny sob)

(Cut to the outside of Kylie's work…place…thing….you know what just pretend she has a job at a nice place)

Kylie: ok, Pip, do you understand your job?

Pip; stand around and look pretty?

Kylie: Stand around, look pretty and HELP ME ONE UP THAT BITCH CAROL.

Al: Hey! We're here!

Kylie: why are you here. You should not be here. Shoo, little English clouds of misery!

Adam: we thought that it would look super impressive if you had like, all the guys with you!

Kylie: you need to stop thinking.

Kodi: I SMELL VODKA.

Joe: VODKA!?

Adam: do you want me to show off MY abs?

Kylie: I've seen your abs. No need to see them again if we aren't going to pick up where we left off-

Adam: OKAY EVERYONE JUST IGNORE THAT OK!?

Pip: ignore what? Oh, you guys were talking?

Al: we found a mouse in a scarf and Santa hat! Can we please bring him some cheese for his little mouse family?!

Kylie: (head in hands) Oh Jesus….Pip! Let's go!

(Kylie drags Pip in, holding up his shirt)

Kylie: Hey, hi, how are you doing, yeah, merry Christmas to you too, good evening sir-

Pip: everyones staring at me!

Kylie: they're staring at your flab- I mean abs. Yeah. Abs.

Carol: Oh hey Kylie….I see you brought a….date?

Pip: did she say date? Oh no. Oh god, Kristy will kill me. KYLIE KRISTY WILL KILL ME!

Kylie: Kristy won't kill you! She might MAIM you but she's not a killer!

Al: yet…

Kylie: GO WAIT OUTSIDE.

Al: I have to get cheese for Sir Mousington!

Pip: I want to give Sir Mousington cheese! CAN I GO GIVE SIR MOUSINGTON CHEESE?

Kodi: (on stage with Adam and Joe) this is for all you ladies out there…HIT IT!

(Sexy and I Know It starts playing. Guys tear off their shirts)

Carol: Kylie?

Kylie: (busy being restrained by Al and Pip) YES CAROL?

Carol; who are THOSE degenerates?

Kylie: They're soon to be dead is who they are.

Tot: oh hey guys.

Kylie: (speechless)

Pip: look what a good friend to you I am; I invited your crush to the party!

Kylie: PIP SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Tot: why are your friends giving old rich women lapdances?

Carol: HEY! DEGENERATES! OVER HERE! (waving pile of $1 bills)

Kylie: I just want you to know something, PIP, and AL. When we get home, I'm chaining you ALL to the basement wall. Prepare yourself. (storms off)

Al: hey, I just thought of something!

Pip: we don't have a basement?

Al: well, that too, but this kid here, HE'S got abs!

Tot: yeah I do but I don't roll that way.

Pip: everyone rolls that way for hundreds of dollars.

Al: ….I just meant that Kylie was looking for a kid with abs to drag around at this thing!

Pip: oh yeah that's right! Hey Kylie's crush! Pull up your shirt! (Adam's shirt hits him in the face) ….not that crush! The vaguely Asian looking one!

Tot; I have a name….and I don't just pull up my shirt for anything.

(Al and Pip shove a case of beer in his face)

(Cut to Tot running around shirtless)

Pip; To evil.

Al: to Kylie being the best person in the world to f*** with.

(toasts)

(Cut to many hours later, Kylie storming in to house followed by wasted guys)

Pip: so, to the basement?

Kylie: (cheerfully) oh, oh no. No, I have a better idea. (places a list on counter.) Do this. By midnight tomorrow. Well, ta boys, it's off to bed! (skips off)

Joe: she's cheerful. Oh god, WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?

Pip: ok….this shouldn't be too hard. (reads list) "Set up outside of house for Christmas." Easy!

Al: there's a post script. "do this in-"

Kodi: I WANT TO READ IT! YOU GUYS NEVER LET ME READ THINGS!

Al: fine. Here.

Kodi: "Be sure to do this in an expertly choreographed dance sequence, preferably to 'the Most Wonderful Time of The Year."

Pip: boys. Let's stretch.

(cut to boys in front yard in Flashdance style outfits ((Pip inexplicably* in a ballerina outfit)

Al: We've stretched, we've gotten the outfits, and the lights, now, LET'S DANCE.

(The Most Wonderful Time of the Year starts. Boys begin dancing, pirouettes, sashays, the whole 9 yards, spreading their misguided good cheer and decorations upon the front of the house)

(song ends, boys collapsed on the lawn, breathing hard, coughing, wallowing in misery)

Al: ok…..what's next? (holds up list) "Perform the full theatrical version of The Crucible onstage in full costume, with Al as John Proctor, Pip as Elizabeth Proctor and Kodi as Abigail Williams.")

Pip: man, I really hope John and Elizabeth are brother and sister.

(Cut to boys on a stage, in full Puritan costume, acting out act 3 of The Crucible)

Al: (grabs Kodi by hair, starts slamming his face onto the judge's table) How do you call heaven! Whore!

Kodi: Al! You're hurting me!

Wednesday 13 (as Judge Danforth): ah…that is a weighty charge, Proctor. How do you know this?

Al: oh…oh god. (mumbles) I have known her…

Kylie: SPEAK UP!

Al:( (keeps slamming Kodi's face into table) I HAVE KNOWN HER! My wife knew her for a whore when she saw her and put her out on the high road!

Wednesday: is this true?

Kodi: MY FACE!

Wednesday: your wife, you say, is an honest woman.

Al: (kicking Kodi in the side) that woman will never lie, sir.

Wednesday: Mr. Parris! Go and fetch Goodwife Proctor!

Joe: she's just backstage, your Excellency.

Wednesday: well…go fetch her!

Pip: I'm here!

Wednesday: let's get this started then. (clears throat) So ah….Goody Proctor….did your husband get with this chick or what?

Pip: uh…

Kylie: THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE SCRIPT!

Pip: uh….no? He isn't a "lecher"?

Al: PIP YOU BASTARD I ALREADY TOLD THEM!

(Lolly and Kristy walk in)

Kristy: what are you doing?

Kylie: forcing your boyfriends to scream at eachother in old English for my amusement.

Lolly: that sounds legit.

Al: LOLLY! DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST UTTER THE WORD LEGIT!?

Lolly: ayup.

Kylie: This is what happens when you f*** with me. I ruin your relationships. Now you and Pip go have your romantic moment before you are viciously hanged while reciting the Lord's Prayer in front of a bunch of Puritans.

Pip/Al: (shocked faces)

(cut to boys lying exhausted in the living room)

Joe: we made her alcoholic gummy bears….acted out some stupid play…choreographed a dance….ruined a small child's hopes and dreams-

Pip: I'm never going to get over that. His little face when we told him he couldn't ever be Buzz Lightyear cuz NASA went under….(shudders and drinks straight from the vodka bottle)

Joe: we even loved and cuddled her four deranged psychopathic cats. THAT LIST BETTER BE DONE.

Al: I think it is.

(Kylie walks in)

Kylie: hey guys. Boy, you all look exhausted.

(Kodi whimpers and curls up into a ball)

Kylie: well, I hope you all learned a valuable lesson this Holiday season.

Al: don't tear off your shirt and give old ladies lapdances?

Joe: don't try and give a mouse cheese cuz it will attempt to kill you?

(cut to boys being chained up in basement wearing santa hats)

Dan: you HAD to mess with her didn't you. You just HAD to irritate her beyond belief.

Al: what are you complaining about, you weren't even there! PLUS aren't you supposed to be dead? I thought the vessel left you and Starfish in that alternate universe?

Starfish: She brought us back. Cuz we're awesome.

Dan: FACE!

(Kodi busts out into singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

Joe: what. Are. You. Doing.

Kodi: trying to end this! I mean I thought It would be better than the story just ending mid sentence with our fates ambiguous, cuz the audience won't lik-

END

*Inexplicably meaning he reads this and the image is just too funny

Merry Christmas from The Pale Ones! Stay tuned for our next episode! Should be a…"demonically" good time!


End file.
